so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
