you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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