I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
