don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
