you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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