Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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