Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
