one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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