if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize