Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
