Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
