I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
