the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
