she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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