I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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