Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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