i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
