"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
