How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize