I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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