she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
