he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
