"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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