Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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