I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize