she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Sober January is a disaster.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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