1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You may now shotgun with the bride
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Randomize
