My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
