WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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