Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
True strength comes from lack of pants
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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