then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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