He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
