Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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