There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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