its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
