You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
