Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
last night I used snow as a chaser
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