just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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