Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
