Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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