I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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