The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You are a genius and a whore.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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