im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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