I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize