you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
