The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
