I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
