All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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