I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
