so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
