i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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