We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
