She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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