By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
