Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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