you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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