Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
